The We All Knew This Was Gonna Happen Dispatch

 "Shhh. Reading."

Constant readers of this website - if such there be, and it is to be devoutly hoped - may have noticed references to the television program iCarly sprinkled around - the most direct in the "Vatican Faults Dylan" Dispatch, but also in the subtitles of both "Good v Evil" Dispatches, with a little bit of the theme song within the text of the first of those.  An article in the October 9, 2010 issue of The New York Times, which reported that a meal featured in the show - the spaghetti taco - had gained popular acceptance, provides an opportunity to explain why that is.

Jennette McCurdy was riding in the backseat of an open car on behalf of her network, some kind of promotional event.  A bee flies into the car, and Jennette McCurdy reacts exactly as one would expect a teenage girl who is deathly allergic to bees to react.  The car's driver is able to crush the bee against the paneling on the inside of his door with his fist.  The driver's action movie franchise will start rolling early this summer, if all goes well.  And if there's any justice in the world.

Two big ifs, but there are no ifs about the high regard in which Jennette McCurdy is held in these quarters.  The aim here is to praise (not bury) an actress of inestimable promise who has provided America with an iconic image that could well last a century.

One of the greatest blessings which could be granted is the ability to see oneself as others see you.  That is a job best done - in the case of America - by other nations.  But the world is crazy right now, has been for a couple of years.  If the human race was responsible for maintaining earth's orbit, it would be "Look out, Venus!" and "Look out, Mars!" with rebel yells in the background.  Other nations are too busy trying to survive to do the job of reflecting America back to itself.

Into this breach steps Sam Puckett, the character on iCarly portrayed by Jennette McCurdy.  Two examples come first to mind: the aforementioned potentially iconic image in Principal Franklin's office when she is asked to sit quietly and not wreck anything, and the strategery session in casa del Freddo.

Another example speaks directly to the theme of The Mighty Quinn, the book that this website is usually about.  (That theme is "a pessimism of the intellect and an optimism of the will.")  In an episode that could be titled "Lewbert and the Exploding Muffin Basket," a prank causes unintended injury to the intended victim, and for a while the extent of the injury is unclear.  When word comes that it is not as serious as feared, Sam expresses her relief - "We could have been in so much trouble."  Freddy asks her: "Do you ever care about anyone but yourself?"  Sam responds:  "I could, but I choose not to."  (Line readings are not rendered with anything approaching exactitude - Jennette McCurdy speaks for herself, with a transfixing luminosity that one has to see for oneself.)

It is a matter of cold, hard, brutal fact that the science that supports the theme of The Mighty Quinn would be of little interest to Sam (and Carly).  They both make use of science when it serves their purposes, however, and a deeper appreciation may prove valuable even to them.  The argument that nearly causes Carly to end the show is actually one of the oldest in the books.

The argument concerns methodology: Sam is all about inspiration, instinct, and intuition, while Carly favors preparation, pre-production, and grunt work.  The same  argument is depicted in Raphael's painting The School Of Athens, at the center of which is Plato pointing skyward, while Aristotle gestures toward the ground.  (Godel's Incompleteness Theorem proves Plato's point, while honoring Aristotle's approach with every step.)

Avoiding the unfortunate suggestion of a School Of Seattle pastiche could perhaps be aided by a counterexample to Sam and Carly's indifference to science, which is found in the Houston-based sitcom Reba, where Kyra, a girl not quite Sam's age at the time, wisely uses Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle to curb an enthusiasm that has gripped her family.

Flaws, failings and inconsistencies are not unknown in Sam's world, but she has her moments of greatness: in one episode she learns to love reading, and in another she learns that it is wrong to make your friends lie for you.  And Jennette McCurdy's  fiercely professional work is informed by an energy and enthusiasm that is a joy to behold.

Sam and Jennette share previous records, though their paths diverge.  Jennette is in two episodes of Malcolm In The Middle - in the second, she prefigures Sam, at least the hairdo.  Sam quotes the theme song of that show when she uses her umbrella to bash Fredalupe in his bear suit.  Jennette's two turns in True Jackson are quite worthy - some argue about which of the two moments in her second appearance is the best: her imitation of Chelsea, or when she bursts on the stage.

And then there's her dancing.  Of Jennette McCurdy it can be well and truly said that "she dances all the boys in town into the ground."

Ms. McCurdy (somehow we heard that her friends call her Netty but that her closest friends call her J-Train, unless that's backwards, in which case we hope this finds J-Train in a forgiving mood) is also pursuing a musical career.  The first time she worked on a music video was for a country song, so that is her chosen path.  As much as one might wish that the first video acting job had been for an R&B track, country music has nothing to apologize for in terms of a contribution to the broad spectrum of American music.  (And country music places no stones in her passway to a hoped-for eventual discovery of the work of Bob Dylan.  Two of his finest albums were recorded in Nashville; Blonde On Blonde provides an irrefutable argument for the excellence of the musicianship that is found there.)

Nickeledeon showed her first video some time ago - the song itself is not as chirpy as these teen TV star musical efforts usually are, with a little ambition in the lyric.  Any tradition should be glad to have her - all they need to do is look at what she's done with and within the tradition that includes Maynard Krebs, Buddy Sorel (with Freddy as Mel), Eddie Haskell (though Sam does not care what her elders think of her), Nellie Olson, the Fonz ...

The land of the free and the home of the brave will always produce Sam Pucketts as needed.  But as long as America produces Jennette McCurdys there will be nothing to worry about.

The affection for iCarly at one point raged so high here that a notion was floated briefly (very briefly) that the website's name should be changed to iwm.  The staff, however, threatened mass resignations: "How would you even pronounce that?"  (i, thinking this was what they were asking for: "reh-zig-NAY-shun"  They: "Not that, you complete and utter more-on!"  Me: " ... Oh ...well ... that's good to hear.")

The primed engine in the "hold Jennette McCurdy in the highest regard" movement has been the "I'm So Restless" Appreciation Affiliate, whose members first raised the alarm.  So it's only fair to turn to them for some amplification.  With trepidation and apologies beforehand, we give you the "ISR"AA:

"True that we were the first to speak out - and as well that it was on our insistence that Sam's 'Sssh.  Reading.' was used as the subtitle for this.  It comes from the episode where Sam learns to love reading, which is mentioned above.

"On a Sunday evening in August 2009, one of our colleagues in the Affiliate spoke to a friend of his about 'this new discovery' he'd made - a sort of 'heads up', a 'there's something happening here'.  But later that night, after they had parted ways, he wasn't sure that he'd made himself clear.  He remembers it as the very next morning - perhaps a morning later in the week - that he woke up to see video of Secretary of State Clinton at a press conference in Africa; a question had been mistranslated and there was much misunderstanding and ensuing hilarity - 'I'm not channeling' somebody, the Secretary said.  So our affiliate - confirmed, and as a result overexcited - phones his friend and says 'There!  There it is!  She's not channeling Bill!  She's channeling Sam!  There's a scene where the iCarly gang is being besieged by papparazzi, one of whom shouts out 'Sam! Is it true you've been arrested four times?' and Sam screams back 'Three times!  Get your facts right!'

"A fourth time around since, but you should check with the Sam Puckett Legal Defense Fund for a complete and up-to-date tally.

"A great excitement raged here when word came that Jane Lynch had been cast as Sam's mom.  Some were heard to say 'She was criminally underused as Jimmy James' secretary on Newsradio and Janice's realtor on Friends.  This is superb casting'-and the no thing is perfect faction here could offer only silent assent.  Some anticipated an intense actress smackdown, and hoped Jennette would go easy on her.

"These expectations were fully met when the first exchange/volley centered on the word 'parts.'  As that episode progressed, Mrs. Benson looked as if she would steal the show - which wouldn't have surprised anyone here - but it was Carly who eventually did.  Though that might be a tantalizing glimpse of Jennette as director as that scene plays out - 'Carly, Carly, relax.'

"That episode raised other expectations - a possible scenario of the working out of the struggle between the two wings of the Republican party.  These were met with disappointment, as the conclusion went all mushy, almost 'Kumbaya'-ish, and we all know that's not going to happen.  (Message to the country: 'Don't go in the box!'  Message from the country: 'It's not too late?')  The no thing is perfect faction went home with a moral victory the night they first saw that episode - though we seriously doubt balloons rained down.

"We sometimes think of Sam and Carly as like the Rolling Stones - Sam is Keef and Carly is Brenda.  (Extrapolating from an earlier correspondence, we now have: Sam is Plato and Aristotle is Brenda. -Extrapolation ed.)  There's one guy here who can all too often be heard saying: 'If I was a producer in television, I'd look for a show with parts for John Goodman, Melissa Peterman, and Jennette McCurdy.  And then I'd sit back and watch the million-dollar bills roll in.'

"Other Sam and Carly dispatches are in the works, and one of particular interest here at the 'ISR'AA is an unofficial soundtrack to iCarly.  It would open, of course, with a lot of Stephen Foster and public domain stuff; the most recent suggestion is the basement tapes version of 'Spanish Is The Loving Tongue' - for Freddy.  'Answer To Ode' (aka 'Clothes Line Saga') should get in on the back of Bobbie Gentry's 'Ode To Billie Joe.'  'I Am A Lonesome Hobo,' of course - a song written before there was cable TV that hobos can't afford.  Mott The Hoople's 'Sea Diver' will make it (for Carly and Spencer's 'creator' - Pavement's 'Starling Of The Slipstream' will also slip in there), as well as Life Without Building's 'The Leanover' (Carly's 'space madness').

"There will be a dance section for Sam, highlighted by Wizard's 'See My Baby Jive' - which is quoted above and which also is an interesting song in terms of showing America what she looks like to the rest of the world.  It's sounds like a collaboration involving Buddy Holly, Bill Haley, and Louis Prima, with production by Phil Spector -  an alternative million dollar quartet, an alternative Hitsville U. S. A.  It was a huge hit in the U. K.   Meat Loaf should've covered it.  Roy Wood wrote another song (for the Move) called 'It Wasn't My Idea To Dance' which'll make it for Sam's nightmare ('Get out of here, Gibby ...'), if our lobbying efforts are effective enough.

"All that sounds very far along, but the whole thing hinges on one question: How do they spell the name of that cat Sam catnaps?

"The high regard for Jennette McCurdy that is felt here at the 'ISR'AA dates back to late 2008.  At about that time The New York Times printed a review of the movie/episode 'I Go To Japan'.  No-one here can get their hands on it now, but if memory serves, the reviewer called Jennette a 'fearless' actress, and speculated intriquingly about the roots of her art.

"A foundational notion of this website (whose kindness in giving the 'ISR'AA so much time is hereby appreciated) is Henry Miller's 'the role of an artist is to inoculate the world with disillusion.'  There are many people to credit for the work of art that is Sam Puckett - the creator, the producer, the writers, the director, the actor (and it should be noted here that writers don't dance) - but it is great art, in Miller's terms.

"There's something special happening here- a desire to entertain becoming, by way of a keen alertness, a power and light amidst the gathering grimness.  That Jennette McCurdy should have a long, long career is to be devoutly hoped."

Pictures: Jennette McCurdy on set of iCarly, detail from Raphael's School of Athens